Spreading awareness can lead to domestic violence help becoming more readily available to those who need it.
Parenting gives us loads of challenges. Victims of abusive relationships often have an even harder time trying to over come these challenges. Some don’t even realize they are being abused. Contrary to popular belief ending an abusive relationship or marriage does not fix the abusive behavior and it can also lead to a more heightened sense of self doubt.
I was able to find the definition of domestic violence from the website of The United States Department of Justice. They state:
“We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.”
Domestic Violence Help can be found at both of the links below but I am not sure how good they are. I will be contacting them both so I can better inform you.
This was an eye opener for me when thinking about my previous marriage. I was blind to the fact that I was a victim of abuse in my marriage. My ex-husband would use many of the behaviors listed in this definition to “keep me in line” as I now see it. While married I felt as though I could be better and that was why I never sought domestic violence help.
I didn’t start to see the true damage of this volatile relationship until I got pregnant with my daughter Amelia. We got pregnant and he was so happy. I thought being pregnant would change his violent nature with me, I was wrong.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1 in 3 woman have been physically abused by an intimate partner. This is a devastating number to hear. I thought that these horrible men were few and far between but when I read this I think that my jaw actually hit the floor. How can there be that many men out there willing to put women through these traumatic experiences.
*This post contains affiliate links*
Downhill Battle Towards Separation
Two months before my daughters 2nd birthday my then husband and I were fighting and when I tried to call the police he took my phone and shoved me down, then he threw my phone into a tree. As I retrieved the phone he grabbed my purse, my daughter and my dog got into the car and drove off. He emptied the bank account and disappeared for 2 days.
At this point I had decided to leave him. When he came back I didn’t go. He made the most grandiose promises and was so very apologetic. I decided to give him one more chance to keep his family together. I should have started looking for domestic violence help then. He was great for a while and we even had some friends move in as roommates when they lost their lease like a month later.
He soon fell into his old ways though and I knew that I needed to give myself and my daughter a different life. I told our friends that they should be looking for a different location to live because I was leaving and he would become very destructive when that happened. They told me they agreed with the decision and even helped me move out my most important family belongings little by little before the “event” took place. They told me that I hid the way he was to me very well and they saw it now.
I have seen that once abuse is interjected into a relationship it will never stop and almost always only get worse. My daughter made me strong and more vulnerable at the same time. I left the relationship and for a couple weeks the abuse stopped and there was no harassment. Then it came, the violent phone calls stalking. Ultimately he kept my baby from me for 3 months while I had to wait on court orders for custody.
This was it. My ultimate low and his ultimate last resort to get back at me and try to manipulate me into doing what he demanded.
My Turning Point
I had to fight for months and months to get to the point where I have primary custody of my daughter and am still fighting for him to take proper care of my 5 year old on his weekend visits. Most recently my poor baby girl has had to go through extensive dental work because he didn’t even have a toothbrush for her for 3 months and even though he “found” one for her he still does not enforce proper hygiene or tooth care.
She is having to get crowns on 4 teeth on each side of her mouth because of this. He just turned 30 and my daughter told me he is missing teeth already because he pulled them out because they hurt. (no dentist required)
This caused me to file for more custody and the day of our hearing he was passed out drunk and naked next to my 5 year old in bed. You can read about that story here. We need to fight for more awareness for abuse and get the abused more domestic violence help.
Co-Parenting is suppose to be the cooperation of parents to make the transition of parenting from two households easier on a child. 9 Things To Ask When Co-Parenting shows what co-parenting should look like. I keep thinking to myself how do you cooperate with someone like this?
Currently I am signing up for parenting courses and reading any co-parenting book I can get my hands on. I suggest How to Co-Parent With An Abusive Ex by Julie Boyd. It speaks about what its like to co-parent after Domestic Violence.
You can sign up for a free trial of kindle unlimited here to read this for free.
Family Law Courts say they are there to watch out for the children’s best interests but they don’t show it
My biggest complaint about parenting after domestic violence is the lack of concern the family justice courts seem to have for my child. The court thinks that domestic violence is not the fault of anyone when it comes to ending a relationship whether or not it is in front of our child or not. There does not seem to be any domestic violence help when dealing with the custody of your children. It takes some sort of event for them to pay attention.
The family law department needs a total over haul not just in America but also across the world. There are tricks to help you stay sane during this process but it is a long arduous road ahead. Children and their best interests must be at the forefront of our minds as we fight for their future.
I will be posting more on this series as I gain more knowledge.
The best way to keep our sanity is to share our stories and gain support from other parents who have gone through some of the same things we have.
Please comment with your stories.
Other Related Posts